The yearning human, for we are human, and what is that, an endless search, a quest never ending that has long been sought after by many, each with a different answer, a certain response, and a meaningful purpose.
You try too hard, relax, meditate on the words, for words are powerful.
Words created this world.
Do you feel that? That tugging inside of you? That perplexing pain drawn from the eyes of something that was ingrained in us from the start? A relationship. What is our purpose, a relationship, why do we so yearn for others, because that is what we were made for from the beginning.
When can you praise God? That is a terrible question. When can you not praise God? Never. Always and in every situation. What do you see in the mirror, in yourself, in the eyes of your critical mind, self evaluating, this is I and no one else. To truly love, love thyself, how can you love if you cannot love yourself, this is a commandment and one that is held in the utmost importance. Only God and God alone holds the most glorifying esteem, and if He loves you unrelentingly, how do you accept that love if you reject yourself, you pry at yourself, you say you can never be good enough to do this or that, and that is correct so give thanks and be joyful for your talents and abilities are in the hands of the Most High and you are dearly loved. This goes the same with others, love thyself and you will be able to accept their love.
But it hurts, and it tears at me, and this pain can be unbearable, to know love and wanting to give all when it is not returned.
This is not beyond our God. He is torn day by day as his children scorn, mock, and coldly turn their backs on him, crucify him, and ignore the blessings of His Son.
How I feel
God has felt, feels, will feel until that time when all things come to pass
In the eyes of
The world? Men? Women? People, people, people...what do they know that our God doesn't? Do they possess some hidden secret of life beyond our own or our God's? Impossible. If they say you can't do this, you should feel this, you can't have this, this is not possible, but our Lord says all these things you can do and more in my Son who strengthens you, what do we fear?
Sometimes we look so hard, search so deep, travel so wide, gaze so far, hide in the darkest gloom, that we forget to see that our Lord was right beside us all along saying live, why aren't you living, you have a life that you have given to me, so I say go out boldly and I will always be there to pick you up.
I am reaching for something, joy, I love you, relationship
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Of Elements and Eternity
I will show you things, and then I will be gone. You won't know if it is me though, and that is how I want it. I am selfish in that respect, but I have been selfish for a very long time. If that part of me would suddenly disappear then it would be a spiritual blessing and miracle, but our Father is perfect in every sense of the word, and I understand that everything He does is perfect. So I will put myself outside, and I know I will make mistakes, I've come to and accept that fact, and I've also come to the fact of unrelenting love and forgiveness. The more I accept the more confident my strides have become. Every facet from the moment my eyes flutter open in the morning to the soft droop as they close once more is a living testament.
I have also become more numb, or I should say I am becoming more numb, and in such a way I feel more accomplished as perverse a statement that sounds. It is my humanity, and I am my Father's.
"In this world, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me." ~Elwood P. Dowd~
What is life but a gift, but if life is a gift someone must have given it, and if someone must have given it, it stands to reason that life was meant to be, or has some overall meaning. So who gave us this gift? It was either a speck of dust in a bad mood, or something we'll never understand.
I planted a seed in the soil under my Father's tree. This seed was of a yearning passion. It has now risen to a bud, and the more I attend to it, the more it grows, for you see, it's roots have become entangled with my Father's tree.
All the wisdom in the world from all the books hidden or shown will flail in a foolish light compared to the resounding infinite that resonates all around us. The blind are rising and seeds are shriveling or being choked to death. The rest are silent. Never forget where you are from, for we are of both worlds, but have sided with one.
I have also become more numb, or I should say I am becoming more numb, and in such a way I feel more accomplished as perverse a statement that sounds. It is my humanity, and I am my Father's.
"In this world, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me." ~Elwood P. Dowd~
What is life but a gift, but if life is a gift someone must have given it, and if someone must have given it, it stands to reason that life was meant to be, or has some overall meaning. So who gave us this gift? It was either a speck of dust in a bad mood, or something we'll never understand.
I planted a seed in the soil under my Father's tree. This seed was of a yearning passion. It has now risen to a bud, and the more I attend to it, the more it grows, for you see, it's roots have become entangled with my Father's tree.
All the wisdom in the world from all the books hidden or shown will flail in a foolish light compared to the resounding infinite that resonates all around us. The blind are rising and seeds are shriveling or being choked to death. The rest are silent. Never forget where you are from, for we are of both worlds, but have sided with one.
Monday, August 30, 2010
A Day before Days
~Dream,
Be never sleep-less~
When I look into my heart, all the selfish desires and feelings that torment me, endlessly without pause, then I look further, I see my soul, where the Holy Spirit resides, He says call on me, that's what I was sent for, to help you battle that selfish pride, you don't have to sell me to get that connection through, just tell them about us, what we do together, how our relationship works, that this love is unending and true, it's not just for you, I go where conviction kills, I go where belief strikes like a thunder bolt, and then the battle, that forward journey starts anew, so just be honest as if you were speaking to a dear close friend, and then they will see, something sincere that they are missing from their lives, pure love.
I've grown closer and yet so distant, I look too far without seeing through my outstretched fingers. But I feel that love growing everyday inside of me, and I let it overflow.
My friend talked of a a coincidence that happened to our friend for three years in the past, so in good humor they called it a curse, and in good humor, our friend passed it on to the other friend, and by striking coincidence it happened to him for two years running in the past, and as we talked about relationships and life he felt that perhaps I should have this curse, all in good humor, and so passed it on to me as to where this weekend will show if by coincidence this will occur, although in good humor, my other other friend banished the curse in the name of Jesus Christ, where as the power of the Holy Spirit and a mixture of my complete obliviousness should prove that there is no coincidence, only that natural charisma that the other two friends exude in places full of people, and that I myself have no idea what I'm looking for, so have stopped altogether.
~Psalm 34~
Be never sleep-less~
When I look into my heart, all the selfish desires and feelings that torment me, endlessly without pause, then I look further, I see my soul, where the Holy Spirit resides, He says call on me, that's what I was sent for, to help you battle that selfish pride, you don't have to sell me to get that connection through, just tell them about us, what we do together, how our relationship works, that this love is unending and true, it's not just for you, I go where conviction kills, I go where belief strikes like a thunder bolt, and then the battle, that forward journey starts anew, so just be honest as if you were speaking to a dear close friend, and then they will see, something sincere that they are missing from their lives, pure love.
I've grown closer and yet so distant, I look too far without seeing through my outstretched fingers. But I feel that love growing everyday inside of me, and I let it overflow.
My friend talked of a a coincidence that happened to our friend for three years in the past, so in good humor they called it a curse, and in good humor, our friend passed it on to the other friend, and by striking coincidence it happened to him for two years running in the past, and as we talked about relationships and life he felt that perhaps I should have this curse, all in good humor, and so passed it on to me as to where this weekend will show if by coincidence this will occur, although in good humor, my other other friend banished the curse in the name of Jesus Christ, where as the power of the Holy Spirit and a mixture of my complete obliviousness should prove that there is no coincidence, only that natural charisma that the other two friends exude in places full of people, and that I myself have no idea what I'm looking for, so have stopped altogether.
~Psalm 34~
Sunday, August 15, 2010
8-Bit Toolbox of Heaven Scrabble
~God offends our mind to reveal our heart~
You were taught something that you knew was truth. It was written down this way, passed on verbally or through some precise optical maneuver, and then you held onto it believing it common knowledge. Then the iceberg surfaced and the ship was rocked. Your stable footing started to shake and your insides quivered in reluctance to accept.
The believers journey.
The unbelievers universe shattered into fragments that need a hand, not of their own or of physical acquiring, to patch together a brand new picture. That hand is beyond a quantified numeral that you would try to imagine. There is a softness in the touch, an unwavering kindness that overflows like an unrelenting river during the rains. There is a miraculous change, conviction, flowing convection of currents unyielding and completely encompassing. This is an unfailing love beyond comprehension. You can try to understand, you'll hurt your brain, but you can try.
Then the battle begins. The clash at old ways saloon versus the redeemed hero. It will always be there. This is a fight not won til the bittersweet end. But you won't be fighting alone. You have the redeemer, you have the redeemed, and you have a sword sharper than the finest laser particle calibrated microcaustic (portmanteau wins) edge.
Don't be afraid of failing because it is impossible now. You say you fall, but you never even hit the ground. Unconditional, such a hard word to take in.
I look and I see, and at the same time I was trying to figure out what was best for me, when I realized that this whim of having everything fit perfectly into His design was myself selfishly and forcefully trying to enact His plan all on my own. I said no and disregarded others feelings. I steered away from those He would of jumped head first into. I didn't listen. I tried to look too far ahead. That's past now, this is present, this is today. Take each day into consideration, with blessings upon your heart and love constantly outpouring. Do not tread so far into the future for what may happen today may drastically change tomorrow.
Words are powerful. If I were to recite the old adage of sticks and stones it would seem contrary, and I find it to be a powerful lie. Words are very powerful.
And lastly, I love you. I love you very much. I will always love you.
You were taught something that you knew was truth. It was written down this way, passed on verbally or through some precise optical maneuver, and then you held onto it believing it common knowledge. Then the iceberg surfaced and the ship was rocked. Your stable footing started to shake and your insides quivered in reluctance to accept.
The believers journey.
The unbelievers universe shattered into fragments that need a hand, not of their own or of physical acquiring, to patch together a brand new picture. That hand is beyond a quantified numeral that you would try to imagine. There is a softness in the touch, an unwavering kindness that overflows like an unrelenting river during the rains. There is a miraculous change, conviction, flowing convection of currents unyielding and completely encompassing. This is an unfailing love beyond comprehension. You can try to understand, you'll hurt your brain, but you can try.
Then the battle begins. The clash at old ways saloon versus the redeemed hero. It will always be there. This is a fight not won til the bittersweet end. But you won't be fighting alone. You have the redeemer, you have the redeemed, and you have a sword sharper than the finest laser particle calibrated microcaustic (portmanteau wins) edge.
Don't be afraid of failing because it is impossible now. You say you fall, but you never even hit the ground. Unconditional, such a hard word to take in.
I look and I see, and at the same time I was trying to figure out what was best for me, when I realized that this whim of having everything fit perfectly into His design was myself selfishly and forcefully trying to enact His plan all on my own. I said no and disregarded others feelings. I steered away from those He would of jumped head first into. I didn't listen. I tried to look too far ahead. That's past now, this is present, this is today. Take each day into consideration, with blessings upon your heart and love constantly outpouring. Do not tread so far into the future for what may happen today may drastically change tomorrow.
Words are powerful. If I were to recite the old adage of sticks and stones it would seem contrary, and I find it to be a powerful lie. Words are very powerful.
And lastly, I love you. I love you very much. I will always love you.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Clay
I don't know if I am being attacked, or if I am trying to be shown something. All I know is that it has been a constant barrage and it's not fun. Lately I've been praying and wishing that I had the sort of countenance that some of the disciples had. That I could just go through with this life with a complete steadfast devotion to God and nothing else. I wouldn't have any reliance on family or friends, no desire to have a partner, I would just be in a constant state of enthrallment and pure passion for serving how God wants me to serve...
But if I felt that way then I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel now. Like somethings missing, like God is still holding certain puzzle pieces that He feels I'm not ready to have inserted into me yet. Or perhaps Satan driving into my face all those moments, all those held back circumstances, all those feelings and words not in my control. It could be either and I haven't heard back yet from Sarge on which it is. All I know is that I've brought it all onto myself, so there is no blame to throw except upon me. I question at night what God has for me, if it's my own invention and He really wants me somewhere completely different. I don't know anymore. Lord Father help me.
But if I felt that way then I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel now. Like somethings missing, like God is still holding certain puzzle pieces that He feels I'm not ready to have inserted into me yet. Or perhaps Satan driving into my face all those moments, all those held back circumstances, all those feelings and words not in my control. It could be either and I haven't heard back yet from Sarge on which it is. All I know is that I've brought it all onto myself, so there is no blame to throw except upon me. I question at night what God has for me, if it's my own invention and He really wants me somewhere completely different. I don't know anymore. Lord Father help me.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The Violence and Darkness of the Burning Heat Entwines in my Heart
I am sad right now. I can't explain my sadness. It wells up inside of me, but my life is going good right now. I truly am blessed. I can rely on God for everything. Your Son, your Spirit, there is no I for we are together in this, along with everyone else who loves your Son.
I started school today, and I was one among two other guys in the class. The rest were girls. I say girl as I looked around and wrote notes at the same time. This is a history class, the stories of humanity. I know history is a boring subject to most, but I'm in the business of stories, and the human ones that people want to attach to, relate to, delve into to escape wherever they are or experience something they haven't experienced may once have happened somewhere else in some other time. More or likely it did. But I didn't see girls, my mind was too preoccupied with other things. My life has never felt more scheduled and less scheduled. I'll have my associates by the end of spring next year and from there only God knows. I only want God to know. I can only petition my Lord for His great grace in my life. All I know is that I want to stop feeling like this. I'll keep petitioning because He loves me and much more beyond.
I'll scream out something later, I'll write to her later as well, I'll be praying much before I do the latter and playing something loud while I do the first.
I started school today, and I was one among two other guys in the class. The rest were girls. I say girl as I looked around and wrote notes at the same time. This is a history class, the stories of humanity. I know history is a boring subject to most, but I'm in the business of stories, and the human ones that people want to attach to, relate to, delve into to escape wherever they are or experience something they haven't experienced may once have happened somewhere else in some other time. More or likely it did. But I didn't see girls, my mind was too preoccupied with other things. My life has never felt more scheduled and less scheduled. I'll have my associates by the end of spring next year and from there only God knows. I only want God to know. I can only petition my Lord for His great grace in my life. All I know is that I want to stop feeling like this. I'll keep petitioning because He loves me and much more beyond.
I'll scream out something later, I'll write to her later as well, I'll be praying much before I do the latter and playing something loud while I do the first.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The Weight
It is something woken up with--an invisible stone
of unknown size taken into account each morning
as our bodies shift into auto gear, and our only
hesitation comes from the slight pressure of the
brake pedal--and then there is no more, no
mode of transportation, no cliff face, no precipice
to gaze longingly after--you are at the thresh hold
standing in empty space left naked and vulnerable
--cries have nowhere to travel as they are absorbed
like raindrops in a dark, vast ocean that does
not sway or tear asunder--it sits placid as
the dead lifeless heart of a cadaver on a silver
platter where no order was taken, no chaos
registered to go, it is the gross enclosing shackles
of dead earth falling into an unmarked pit of
no remorse, the cinder block at the bottom of the
sea that the thinker calls his throne, and you the
image reflection staring back at the slice of water
on your side of air, waiting for the air bubbles
to rise, for some sliver of light to pierce the stone
that woke up inside of you this morning, all while
the sun sat attentively listening in your lap.
~Written in the empty quiet of the church~
of unknown size taken into account each morning
as our bodies shift into auto gear, and our only
hesitation comes from the slight pressure of the
brake pedal--and then there is no more, no
mode of transportation, no cliff face, no precipice
to gaze longingly after--you are at the thresh hold
standing in empty space left naked and vulnerable
--cries have nowhere to travel as they are absorbed
like raindrops in a dark, vast ocean that does
not sway or tear asunder--it sits placid as
the dead lifeless heart of a cadaver on a silver
platter where no order was taken, no chaos
registered to go, it is the gross enclosing shackles
of dead earth falling into an unmarked pit of
no remorse, the cinder block at the bottom of the
sea that the thinker calls his throne, and you the
image reflection staring back at the slice of water
on your side of air, waiting for the air bubbles
to rise, for some sliver of light to pierce the stone
that woke up inside of you this morning, all while
the sun sat attentively listening in your lap.
~Written in the empty quiet of the church~
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I'm a Rambling Man
There is never a good time for anything. We create these times to try and give our events some semblance of order, but in reality, it's just an excuse to delay things that we could have started right away. For instance, in my case, writing. I'm writing right now, and I could have told myself that right now just isn't a good time. Maybe I should take a shower first, maybe I should pray first, maybe I should take a nap. No. I should barrel head first into it just like I do when I am desiring my Lord. Everyday. Barrel down the falls and crash into the water like a cannonball. Rise up and see how much more stronger you are, for that's how we are made. Barraged and battered to rise up even stronger for the one who created us.
There is paper everywhere in front of me, sheets for dear friends, and items that need to be sent off that shouldn't be sitting gathering dust in my room, and it's all because I don't sit down and finish them off. I distract myself with such pointless activities. All distractions and I'm done with it. I'm ridiculously done with it. If I see myself staring off into a zone of complete distraction then I want my bible, I want to fall down on my knees and just close my eyes and pray, because I know from experience that when I do that, I become completely focused on the task at hand. God is my source of focus, the source of everything of course. The course at hand, narrow and straight, but it's the one I'm walking, running, diving, flying bodily into. That's what life is all about after many things.
There is paper everywhere in front of me, sheets for dear friends, and items that need to be sent off that shouldn't be sitting gathering dust in my room, and it's all because I don't sit down and finish them off. I distract myself with such pointless activities. All distractions and I'm done with it. I'm ridiculously done with it. If I see myself staring off into a zone of complete distraction then I want my bible, I want to fall down on my knees and just close my eyes and pray, because I know from experience that when I do that, I become completely focused on the task at hand. God is my source of focus, the source of everything of course. The course at hand, narrow and straight, but it's the one I'm walking, running, diving, flying bodily into. That's what life is all about after many things.
Rearranging Words
God's grace is burned into my mind. That acceptance, I didn't realize, who knew the end result was so fulfilling. The hardest thing for me was a dream I'd given up on, but now I'm a writer, a great form of encouragement, it opened up a whole new world.
God is relentless, relentless, relentless. His chains are softer than lambs wool and once attached more ingrained than a spike in granite. Breathe, here's the news, we are the temple, the bridge is constructed, sprint with all your will across it until your feet feel nothing underneath them but the air you're running on. Water is the symbol running down your brow, but the acceptance is the true sanctification of rebirth. Be brave, the journey is only for a while.
God is relentless, relentless, relentless. His chains are softer than lambs wool and once attached more ingrained than a spike in granite. Breathe, here's the news, we are the temple, the bridge is constructed, sprint with all your will across it until your feet feel nothing underneath them but the air you're running on. Water is the symbol running down your brow, but the acceptance is the true sanctification of rebirth. Be brave, the journey is only for a while.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
God gave man the blues
God is on sale
Oh my Lord, God is on sale, sitting right there in your corner shop window
Oh my Father got put up on sale, when the people couldn't find water
You know they didn't look too hard, but they found that sign underneath the couch
But when a man, he comes down walking, and he finds that corner store
That burden on his back buries straight deeper right down into his soul
Cause he's seen the tears slowly dry, but the well is overflowing
He carries out that for sale sign, and sets the whole place a burning
God gave man the blues as soon as He set his soul free
You see, God gave man the blues as soon as He set his soul free
Cause when a free man sees the world
Our blindness brings him down to his knees
No dollar can wrestle him down
No bottle can hide his pain
No damsel in distress can distort his eye from her fleshy legs
For you see, God gave man the blues as soon as He set that soul free
It came pouring down, and we walked on by
Cause rain never made a blind man see
Our feet pass through the waters, but they never end up clean
We go searching through black holes and the evergreens
We find God on sale through the window in a corner store
And we still don't know what we mean
Oh my Lord, God is on sale, sitting right there in your corner shop window
Oh my Father got put up on sale, when the people couldn't find water
You know they didn't look too hard, but they found that sign underneath the couch
But when a man, he comes down walking, and he finds that corner store
That burden on his back buries straight deeper right down into his soul
Cause he's seen the tears slowly dry, but the well is overflowing
He carries out that for sale sign, and sets the whole place a burning
God gave man the blues as soon as He set his soul free
You see, God gave man the blues as soon as He set his soul free
Cause when a free man sees the world
Our blindness brings him down to his knees
No dollar can wrestle him down
No bottle can hide his pain
No damsel in distress can distort his eye from her fleshy legs
For you see, God gave man the blues as soon as He set that soul free
It came pouring down, and we walked on by
Cause rain never made a blind man see
Our feet pass through the waters, but they never end up clean
We go searching through black holes and the evergreens
We find God on sale through the window in a corner store
And we still don't know what we mean
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Night and Day
There once was a boy who lived in a field where he painted the twilight sky with his fingertips. He asked the wind why he could never dot the night sky with its shining stars.
The wind replied that a little girl who dwelt by the shore asked the wind why she couldn't color the twilight sky, and the boy smiled with understanding as three new stars appeared in the night sky.
The wind replied that a little girl who dwelt by the shore asked the wind why she couldn't color the twilight sky, and the boy smiled with understanding as three new stars appeared in the night sky.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Bell Plank Hammer
With a hollowed out bell striking the nail
like a railroad spike
the light steeps itself in every open crevice
the Bellmaker shouts Get out
let the light burst in
staggering toll chiming each breath
Get out, let the light flow in
Crawling across the plank to where the nail lodged
Shudders under the toll
Emerging from the skull with nail upon his back
the Bellmaker trudges like a man though molasses
to the peak driving the nail down
Let this life be sanctified
Let my work never end
The bell chimed, the nail broke down, the wind
held its breath in anticipation
The sky cried without words recognizable
And the Bellmaker took his bell and broke
it in half with words
proclaiming there is still work to be done
like a railroad spike
the light steeps itself in every open crevice
the Bellmaker shouts Get out
let the light burst in
staggering toll chiming each breath
Get out, let the light flow in
Crawling across the plank to where the nail lodged
Shudders under the toll
Emerging from the skull with nail upon his back
the Bellmaker trudges like a man though molasses
to the peak driving the nail down
Let this life be sanctified
Let my work never end
The bell chimed, the nail broke down, the wind
held its breath in anticipation
The sky cried without words recognizable
And the Bellmaker took his bell and broke
it in half with words
proclaiming there is still work to be done
Sunday, March 7, 2010
One word in front of the other
A dream...A dream! A myriad of woes
Whose heart beguiled the sun drenched eyes
beneath the swaying palm of troves
Glistening bare for a cumbersome wake
Amidst the sand dunes of Ebenezer's fair
Where cobbled stones and cracked pennies lie
The dust tells tales of telling mans groans
Whose heart beguiled the sun drenched eyes
beneath the swaying palm of troves
Glistening bare for a cumbersome wake
Amidst the sand dunes of Ebenezer's fair
Where cobbled stones and cracked pennies lie
The dust tells tales of telling mans groans
Friday, February 12, 2010
Journey of a Thousand Faces
How long has it been since I've let my hands rest upon the three dimensional cubes that are the electric signals to the motherboard...
Far too long.
I've been running away for six years now, and three of those years I knew I was. Before hand I was being molded and shaped by my loving Father. I was seeking, overcoming hurdles rising up in front of me. Smashing through massive brick walls barring my path, and all the while God knew I would run. He let me know back then, and I distinctly remember thinking, "God, I have no idea how this has anything to do with my life."
I wouldn't of back then. Back then I thought I knew what God wanted from me in my life, to some extent, but little did I know that he was at the potters wheel, hands against the newly softened clay, molding and refining a newly brought upon hobby of mine that I did as a release. As a form of recreation or outlet for my pent up thoughts. It was relaxing, enjoyable, not so much a task as an activity akin to painting a portrait. And so I was told back then, I was pretty decent at it. Those comments were from my friends though, and everyone knows a friend can be the most biased of critics when it comes to our endeavors. It wasn't until someone who was not fond of me, to be frank, he loathed me very much so, complimented me on this creative process that I felt perhaps God had blessed me in this area that I had never even realized I had before.
Now when someone has a negative perception of you, and yet they can compliment you on your work and say that you do a very good job of it, that can usually mean that you are good at what you're doing. I think because it's been so long since I've done this that the words feel clunky rolling off of these cubes. Sort of like pushing perfectly square boulders off an upward cliff. Pressing forward, I went seeking again seeing that the current path I was walking down was falling short. God unveiled what He had been creating at the potters helm, and presented me with my new path. His path for my life, not my own.
Imagine a cobble stone street, damp from a midnights fog, and a circle of oil lamps faintly glowing all around you. Suddenly the air starts to bend, the lamp posts almost seem to sway in an eerie rhythm, and you feel unreal like a pencil animation breathed upon by God's breath of life. Your path starts to open up, but it's dark and narrow, the oil lamps curving this way and that as the cobble stones crack and rise in odd patterns. You could trip, you could hit a wall, you could fall off the path into a jagged bed of rocks with a glimmer of water trailing through them.
God showed me my path, and at first I was excited. That's what any servant of Christ wants right? To be shown God's will for their life so that they may press forward and act upon it. I was shown, I got excited, I started coming up with ideas, little pieces there, little bits here, scratches and scrawls on napkins, spare papers, school notebooks, awkward sketchbooks, but nothing ever coherent. Slowly, over time, that all stopped. Once and a good while I would find that ink reservoir or that graphite quarry, but nothing substantial was produced. God never stopped though. Not bloody ONCE. His love is relentless, a furious love that never stops when He is attached to you. If you love Him he pursues you like a bloodhound on the scent of a fox. He gave me more ideas, he gave me dreams, friends with notions, inklings of things that could become more if I nurtured them from that garden of sprouting ideas. But I never did. I ran, not trusting Him, becoming afraid of failure, of myself. I started looking for other paths, other means to pursue God's glory, but when God shows you your path, that is what He wants for you. It's like a tsunami that has been frozen in time hovering over you waiting for the right moment to unfreeze and barrel you right into the heart of the mountainside.
This year I knew something was different. Last year the enormous wave was such a menacing figure above me. Always seeming to loom closer the more I searched for something else. But I knew this year would be different. God has shown me things that I need to do, and I went searching for those things. That's the first thing I've done right. Secondly, I need to stop turning my back to the wave. I need to spin on my heel and smile into the wall of water coming to drown me in something so torrential and full of love that I would not want to be anywhere else. I have my problems, my sin that latches onto me like a parasite unseen, so I need to dive into the embrace of my Father, His arms outstretched waiting for me, always. Through repetition, faith, trust, love, and an unending joy will I only overcome what has had me running for so long.
To back track a bit, I mentioned that God told me I would run even before I knew what I was running from. When I was going through a trial in my life, God gave a prophecy to one of his servants to tell me, that I would be like Jonah, running from Nineveh straight into the mouth of the whale. At the time it really had no meaning for what was going on in my life because I was running into the arms of my Lord everyday, for strength, for guidance, for the reassurance I needed to get me through day after day. It wasn't until I started running that the prophecy was brought into full effect, and God is never wrong in His words, ever. It is through these times that He refines us further, tempers our wills into a more longing trust, and gives us the courage to fulfill what He has planned for us.
I am Matthew
I am a servant of the living God
I am saved by the blood of His son Jesus who is the Christ, the son of man, God in the flesh
I am flawed
I am lonely
I am vulgar
I am gray
I am Jonah
I am a writer
I am a friend
I am listening now
"I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together."
~Psalm 34:1-3~
Far too long.
I've been running away for six years now, and three of those years I knew I was. Before hand I was being molded and shaped by my loving Father. I was seeking, overcoming hurdles rising up in front of me. Smashing through massive brick walls barring my path, and all the while God knew I would run. He let me know back then, and I distinctly remember thinking, "God, I have no idea how this has anything to do with my life."
I wouldn't of back then. Back then I thought I knew what God wanted from me in my life, to some extent, but little did I know that he was at the potters wheel, hands against the newly softened clay, molding and refining a newly brought upon hobby of mine that I did as a release. As a form of recreation or outlet for my pent up thoughts. It was relaxing, enjoyable, not so much a task as an activity akin to painting a portrait. And so I was told back then, I was pretty decent at it. Those comments were from my friends though, and everyone knows a friend can be the most biased of critics when it comes to our endeavors. It wasn't until someone who was not fond of me, to be frank, he loathed me very much so, complimented me on this creative process that I felt perhaps God had blessed me in this area that I had never even realized I had before.
Now when someone has a negative perception of you, and yet they can compliment you on your work and say that you do a very good job of it, that can usually mean that you are good at what you're doing. I think because it's been so long since I've done this that the words feel clunky rolling off of these cubes. Sort of like pushing perfectly square boulders off an upward cliff. Pressing forward, I went seeking again seeing that the current path I was walking down was falling short. God unveiled what He had been creating at the potters helm, and presented me with my new path. His path for my life, not my own.
Imagine a cobble stone street, damp from a midnights fog, and a circle of oil lamps faintly glowing all around you. Suddenly the air starts to bend, the lamp posts almost seem to sway in an eerie rhythm, and you feel unreal like a pencil animation breathed upon by God's breath of life. Your path starts to open up, but it's dark and narrow, the oil lamps curving this way and that as the cobble stones crack and rise in odd patterns. You could trip, you could hit a wall, you could fall off the path into a jagged bed of rocks with a glimmer of water trailing through them.
God showed me my path, and at first I was excited. That's what any servant of Christ wants right? To be shown God's will for their life so that they may press forward and act upon it. I was shown, I got excited, I started coming up with ideas, little pieces there, little bits here, scratches and scrawls on napkins, spare papers, school notebooks, awkward sketchbooks, but nothing ever coherent. Slowly, over time, that all stopped. Once and a good while I would find that ink reservoir or that graphite quarry, but nothing substantial was produced. God never stopped though. Not bloody ONCE. His love is relentless, a furious love that never stops when He is attached to you. If you love Him he pursues you like a bloodhound on the scent of a fox. He gave me more ideas, he gave me dreams, friends with notions, inklings of things that could become more if I nurtured them from that garden of sprouting ideas. But I never did. I ran, not trusting Him, becoming afraid of failure, of myself. I started looking for other paths, other means to pursue God's glory, but when God shows you your path, that is what He wants for you. It's like a tsunami that has been frozen in time hovering over you waiting for the right moment to unfreeze and barrel you right into the heart of the mountainside.
This year I knew something was different. Last year the enormous wave was such a menacing figure above me. Always seeming to loom closer the more I searched for something else. But I knew this year would be different. God has shown me things that I need to do, and I went searching for those things. That's the first thing I've done right. Secondly, I need to stop turning my back to the wave. I need to spin on my heel and smile into the wall of water coming to drown me in something so torrential and full of love that I would not want to be anywhere else. I have my problems, my sin that latches onto me like a parasite unseen, so I need to dive into the embrace of my Father, His arms outstretched waiting for me, always. Through repetition, faith, trust, love, and an unending joy will I only overcome what has had me running for so long.
To back track a bit, I mentioned that God told me I would run even before I knew what I was running from. When I was going through a trial in my life, God gave a prophecy to one of his servants to tell me, that I would be like Jonah, running from Nineveh straight into the mouth of the whale. At the time it really had no meaning for what was going on in my life because I was running into the arms of my Lord everyday, for strength, for guidance, for the reassurance I needed to get me through day after day. It wasn't until I started running that the prophecy was brought into full effect, and God is never wrong in His words, ever. It is through these times that He refines us further, tempers our wills into a more longing trust, and gives us the courage to fulfill what He has planned for us.
I am Matthew
I am a servant of the living God
I am saved by the blood of His son Jesus who is the Christ, the son of man, God in the flesh
I am flawed
I am lonely
I am vulgar
I am gray
I am Jonah
I am a writer
I am a friend
I am listening now
"I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together."
~Psalm 34:1-3~
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Beginning
Something entirely new. Not a soul scarcely around. All these words unseen as they should be.
I won't undo what I've written, but how wrong was I only a month ago. These words will be seen by those who need to see them. That is what God uses me for. That is the purpose of this servant. God bless us, everyone.
I won't undo what I've written, but how wrong was I only a month ago. These words will be seen by those who need to see them. That is what God uses me for. That is the purpose of this servant. God bless us, everyone.
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