I don't know if I am being attacked, or if I am trying to be shown something. All I know is that it has been a constant barrage and it's not fun. Lately I've been praying and wishing that I had the sort of countenance that some of the disciples had. That I could just go through with this life with a complete steadfast devotion to God and nothing else. I wouldn't have any reliance on family or friends, no desire to have a partner, I would just be in a constant state of enthrallment and pure passion for serving how God wants me to serve...
But if I felt that way then I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel now. Like somethings missing, like God is still holding certain puzzle pieces that He feels I'm not ready to have inserted into me yet. Or perhaps Satan driving into my face all those moments, all those held back circumstances, all those feelings and words not in my control. It could be either and I haven't heard back yet from Sarge on which it is. All I know is that I've brought it all onto myself, so there is no blame to throw except upon me. I question at night what God has for me, if it's my own invention and He really wants me somewhere completely different. I don't know anymore. Lord Father help me.
