Frail Clay

The yearning human, for we are human, and what is that, an endless search, a quest never ending that has long been sought after by many, each with a different answer, a certain response, and a meaningful purpose.

You try too hard, relax, meditate on the words, for words are powerful.

Words created this world.

Do you feel that? That tugging inside of you? That perplexing pain drawn from the eyes of something that was ingrained in us from the start? A relationship. What is our purpose, a relationship, why do we so yearn for others, because that is what we were made for from the beginning.

When can you praise God? That is a terrible question. When can you not praise God? Never. Always and in every situation. What do you see in the mirror, in yourself, in the eyes of your critical mind, self evaluating, this is I and no one else. To truly love, love thyself, how can you love if you cannot love yourself, this is a commandment and one that is held in the utmost importance. Only God and God alone holds the most glorifying esteem, and if He loves you unrelentingly, how do you accept that love if you reject yourself, you pry at yourself, you say you can never be good enough to do this or that, and that is correct so give thanks and be joyful for your talents and abilities are in the hands of the Most High and you are dearly loved. This goes the same with others, love thyself and you will be able to accept their love.

But it hurts, and it tears at me, and this pain can be unbearable, to know love and wanting to give all when it is not returned.

This is not beyond our God. He is torn day by day as his children scorn, mock, and coldly turn their backs on him, crucify him, and ignore the blessings of His Son.

How I feel

God has felt, feels, will feel until that time when all things come to pass

In the eyes of

The world? Men? Women? People, people, people...what do they know that our God doesn't? Do they possess some hidden secret of life beyond our own or our God's? Impossible. If they say you can't do this, you should feel this, you can't have this, this is not possible, but our Lord says all these things you can do and more in my Son who strengthens you, what do we fear?

Sometimes we look so hard, search so deep, travel so wide, gaze so far, hide in the darkest gloom, that we forget to see that our Lord was right beside us all along saying live, why aren't you living, you have a life that you have given to me, so I say go out boldly and I will always be there to pick you up.

I am reaching for something, joy, I love you, relationship

Of Elements and Eternity

I will show you things, and then I will be gone. You won't know if it is me though, and that is how I want it. I am selfish in that respect, but I have been selfish for a very long time. If that part of me would suddenly disappear then it would be a spiritual blessing and miracle, but our Father is perfect in every sense of the word, and I understand that everything He does is perfect. So I will put myself outside, and I know I will make mistakes, I've come to and accept that fact, and I've also come to the fact of unrelenting love and forgiveness. The more I accept the more confident my strides have become. Every facet from the moment my eyes flutter open in the morning to the soft droop as they close once more is a living testament.

I have also become more numb, or I should say I am becoming more numb, and in such a way I feel more accomplished as perverse a statement that sounds. It is my humanity, and I am my Father's.

"In this world, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me." ~Elwood P. Dowd~

What is life but a gift, but if life is a gift someone must have given it, and if someone must have given it, it stands to reason that life was meant to be, or has some overall meaning. So who gave us this gift? It was either a speck of dust in a bad mood, or something we'll never understand.

I planted a seed in the soil under my Father's tree. This seed was of a yearning passion. It has now risen to a bud, and the more I attend to it, the more it grows, for you see, it's roots have become entangled with my Father's tree.

All the wisdom in the world from all the books hidden or shown will flail in a foolish light compared to the resounding infinite that resonates all around us. The blind are rising and seeds are shriveling or being choked to death. The rest are silent. Never forget where you are from, for we are of both worlds, but have sided with one.

A Day before Days

~Dream,

Be never sleep-less~

When I look into my heart, all the selfish desires and feelings that torment me, endlessly without pause, then I look further, I see my soul, where the Holy Spirit resides, He says call on me, that's what I was sent for, to help you battle that selfish pride, you don't have to sell me to get that connection through, just tell them about us, what we do together, how our relationship works, that this love is unending and true, it's not just for you, I go where conviction kills, I go where belief strikes like a thunder bolt, and then the battle, that forward journey starts anew, so just be honest as if you were speaking to a dear close friend, and then they will see, something sincere that they are missing from their lives, pure love.

I've grown closer and yet so distant, I look too far without seeing through my outstretched fingers. But I feel that love growing everyday inside of me, and I let it overflow.

My friend talked of a a coincidence that happened to our friend for three years in the past, so in good humor they called it a curse, and in good humor, our friend passed it on to the other friend, and by striking coincidence it happened to him for two years running in the past, and as we talked about relationships and life he felt that perhaps I should have this curse, all in good humor, and so passed it on to me as to where this weekend will show if by coincidence this will occur, although in good humor, my other other friend banished the curse in the name of Jesus Christ, where as the power of the Holy Spirit and a mixture of my complete obliviousness should prove that there is no coincidence, only that natural charisma that the other two friends exude in places full of people, and that I myself have no idea what I'm looking for, so have stopped altogether.

~Psalm 34~

8-Bit Toolbox of Heaven Scrabble

~God offends our mind to reveal our heart~

You were taught something that you knew was truth. It was written down this way, passed on verbally or through some precise optical maneuver, and then you held onto it believing it common knowledge. Then the iceberg surfaced and the ship was rocked. Your stable footing started to shake and your insides quivered in reluctance to accept.

The believers journey.

The unbelievers universe shattered into fragments that need a hand, not of their own or of physical acquiring, to patch together a brand new picture. That hand is beyond a quantified numeral that you would try to imagine. There is a softness in the touch, an unwavering kindness that overflows like an unrelenting river during the rains. There is a miraculous change, conviction, flowing convection of currents unyielding and completely encompassing. This is an unfailing love beyond comprehension. You can try to understand, you'll hurt your brain, but you can try.

Then the battle begins. The clash at old ways saloon versus the redeemed hero. It will always be there. This is a fight not won til the bittersweet end. But you won't be fighting alone. You have the redeemer, you have the redeemed, and you have a sword sharper than the finest laser particle calibrated microcaustic (portmanteau wins) edge.

Don't be afraid of failing because it is impossible now. You say you fall, but you never even hit the ground. Unconditional, such a hard word to take in.

I look and I see, and at the same time I was trying to figure out what was best for me, when I realized that this whim of having everything fit perfectly into His design was myself selfishly and forcefully trying to enact His plan all on my own. I said no and disregarded others feelings. I steered away from those He would of jumped head first into. I didn't listen. I tried to look too far ahead. That's past now, this is present, this is today. Take each day into consideration, with blessings upon your heart and love constantly outpouring. Do not tread so far into the future for what may happen today may drastically change tomorrow.

Words are powerful. If I were to recite the old adage of sticks and stones it would seem contrary, and I find it to be a powerful lie. Words are very powerful.

And lastly, I love you. I love you very much. I will always love you.

Clay

I don't know if I am being attacked, or if I am trying to be shown something. All I know is that it has been a constant barrage and it's not fun. Lately I've been praying and wishing that I had the sort of countenance that some of the disciples had. That I could just go through with this life with a complete steadfast devotion to God and nothing else. I wouldn't have any reliance on family or friends, no desire to have a partner, I would just be in a constant state of enthrallment and pure passion for serving how God wants me to serve...

But if I felt that way then I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel now. Like somethings missing, like God is still holding certain puzzle pieces that He feels I'm not ready to have inserted into me yet. Or perhaps Satan driving into my face all those moments, all those held back circumstances, all those feelings and words not in my control. It could be either and I haven't heard back yet from Sarge on which it is. All I know is that I've brought it all onto myself, so there is no blame to throw except upon me. I question at night what God has for me, if it's my own invention and He really wants me somewhere completely different. I don't know anymore. Lord Father help me.

The Violence and Darkness of the Burning Heat Entwines in my Heart

I am sad right now. I can't explain my sadness. It wells up inside of me, but my life is going good right now. I truly am blessed. I can rely on God for everything. Your Son, your Spirit, there is no I for we are together in this, along with everyone else who loves your Son.

I started school today, and I was one among two other guys in the class. The rest were girls. I say girl as I looked around and wrote notes at the same time. This is a history class, the stories of humanity. I know history is a boring subject to most, but I'm in the business of stories, and the human ones that people want to attach to, relate to, delve into to escape wherever they are or experience something they haven't experienced may once have happened somewhere else in some other time. More or likely it did. But I didn't see girls, my mind was too preoccupied with other things. My life has never felt more scheduled and less scheduled. I'll have my associates by the end of spring next year and from there only God knows. I only want God to know. I can only petition my Lord for His great grace in my life. All I know is that I want to stop feeling like this. I'll keep petitioning because He loves me and much more beyond.

I'll scream out something later, I'll write to her later as well, I'll be praying much before I do the latter and playing something loud while I do the first.

The Weight

It is something woken up with--an invisible stone
of unknown size taken into account each morning
as our bodies shift into auto gear, and our only
hesitation comes from the slight pressure of the
brake pedal--and then there is no more, no
mode of transportation, no cliff face, no precipice
to gaze longingly after--you are at the thresh hold
standing in empty space left naked and vulnerable
--cries have nowhere to travel as they are absorbed
like raindrops in a dark, vast ocean that does
not sway or tear asunder--it sits placid as
the dead lifeless heart of a cadaver on a silver
platter where no order was taken, no chaos
registered to go, it is the gross enclosing shackles
of dead earth falling into an unmarked pit of
no remorse, the cinder block at the bottom of the
sea that the thinker calls his throne, and you the
image reflection staring back at the slice of water
on your side of air, waiting for the air bubbles
to rise, for some sliver of light to pierce the stone
that woke up inside of you this morning, all while
the sun sat attentively listening in your lap.

~Written in the empty quiet of the church~